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Beginnings Pt5

In the end I chose to be swayed by Edward’s denial. Looking back, maybe it should have been the end, and I should have left him sitting there drinking his rose’. If I had any true sense of self-worth I probably would have. But I was raised in a culture and race that have been marginalised, oppressed, and exploited. One of the psychological effects of that is the feeling of powerlessness, and little to no development of a positive sense of self. You may ask yourself what does that have to do with this. Well, a common reaction to one’s feelings of powerlessness is to create a false bravado of strength, to provide some sense of control, but mainly to protect from completely breaking down in utter hopelessness and self degradation. This bravado gets passed down from generation to generation. And here was my turn. I’d cultivated and nurtured an armour of false boldness and strength that could be summoned up on demand whenever I felt the need to defend or protect myself. Therefore, the strong black woman display that I gave face to Edward when I entered the restaurant was all a sham as it had no resource of self-worth to support it. As a consequence, when I was told that the situation that caused my offence was incorrectly interpreted by myself, I caved, because of my lack self-confidence and self-worth. And so, I trusted Edward words over my experience and told myself that he didn’t say what I saw him say. In 2006, I wasn’t in a mature place, and wouldn’t be for a good may years to come. My drive to succeed at achieving my goal won over the little stores of self-respect I had, which, caused me to make a decision to stay, which then took my life into a turn that I could have never predicted. For those who debate, like I have so often in regret, what would have been the result had I left, for better or worse one can never know, accept to live in a Terry Pratchett alternate universe. As it happened, in failing this little life test, the universal powers that be clocked the huge gap in my personal development, and signed me up for a few hard life lessons to learn through the unambiguous path of experience.

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